


Fatigue

by bunnybrook



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Multi, Possession, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Soranort - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-29 23:53:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12641853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bunnybrook/pseuds/bunnybrook
Summary: Sora really should talk about how he feels more often.





	Fatigue

When Sora finally made it back to the islands, he hated it. Everything he saw made him panic remembering how painful it was to lose. He stayed in his room for a while, to let himself adjust. Then, slowly he emerged to visit the small island with Riku and Kairi. All he could think to do when he got there was lean on the trees and shiver. 

His behavior made sense to Riku, not so much to Kairi. Both of them gave him space when he needed it. Both of them let him close when he needed it. 

One night he walked to Riku’s house and sat outside on the grass and picked at it, trying to work up the courage to go in. He heard the sound of dishes being done inside, of course Riku was still awake.

The door opened and Riku peered out. He waved.

“You don’t have to just sit out there,” he said.

Sora forced a smile. “Yeah, I just didn't want to bother you.” 

Inside Riku’s house smelled like the cherry candles he burned, the scent just as much for grounding as it was aesthetic. It overwhelmed Sora, but never enough to keep him away. 

They sat at the kitchen table and talked, avoiding Keyblades and Darkness and Heartless as much as possible. Mostly the conversation was about Kairi and the weather. Riku was glad to show some skin again, Sora was glad he could run barefoot without worrying or being scolded. They promised each other they’d wake up and go swimming together. Like they used to.

“Do you want to stay over?” Riku asked as he stood to turn the kitchen light off. 

“Ah,” Sora said. “I’ve been having trouble sleeping. You know…”

He saw Riku’s smile split the darkness. He chuckled. “Yeah. I know.” 

Of course he knew. Sora felt so stupid for even mentioning it when Riku had gone through the exact same thing for years longer than Sora had ever realized. And before that, he should have seen it sooner, he should have told an adult or paid more attention to Riku’s restlessness and loneliness or done  _ something _ . If it weren’t for Sora’s ignorance none of this would have happened.

“You staying?” Riku asked.

Sora sighed. He said, “Yeah.”

Sora leaned on his elbow in the dark, after they had kissed for awhile, after Riku had drifted off, after Sora had squirmed out of his arms. He watched Riku’s pupils dance back and forth  whine his eyelids as he dreamed. It would be hours before he became too exhausted to stay awake. He watched Riku through all of it. Riku often mumbled in his sleep, a habit Sora recognized happening more often since they got home again. Tonight, all he could make out was Riku, exasperated, moaning the word “ _ Don’t _ .”

Even sleeping in Riku’s bed felt like he was infringing on Riku’s own recovery. He thought he must reek of what he’s been through before, that it would only bring Riku back over and over to all of the pain he’d been through before, pain Sora knew he could never compare his too. It was so much deeper, so much closer than what Sora had felt.

When he fell asleep his head was on Riku’s chest, his arms folded awkwardly between them.

Sora got so bored, he thought he would go crazy. He stayed active, went jogging, swimming, climbing. He waited hopelessly for something to happen.

“Riku says you’re having a hard time,” Kairi said, reaching out to put a hand on his elbow. Sora tried to laugh the comment off but the worried look didn’t leave Kairi’s face.

“I’m fine,” Sora said.

“Sora.”

“Really! I’m fine.” He laughed again and took Kairi by the waist, twirling her then dipping her down as if he was going to kiss her. He held her there for a moment. He saw her looking into his eyes, searching in him for the answer to what was bothering him, an answer her and Riku would both benefit from. He helped Kairi back up without touching her anymore than he had to and he kept walking.

“You don’t have to hide things from us,” Kairi said. She tried again, taking his hand this time. He wrapped his fingers loosely around her hand that was squeezing his. 

“I’m not,” he said. “If something was wrong I would tell you.” He shook her hand off and kept walking. He turned a corner to make it obvious he had decided to head home. He heard her footsteps come up behind him.

“ _ Sora _ ,” she said. He grabbed him by the shoulder this time, forcing him to stop and look at her. “Riku and I would never hurt you.”

“I know,” Sora promised. “That’s not what I’m scared of.”

“Then what is it?”

Sora made a face, unable to force himself to put the feelings into words. “I’m just worried,” he managed. “About you guys.”

“And we’re worried about you,” Kairi pressed.

“You shouldn’t be,” Sora said. Kairi ran her hand down Sora’s arm until it rested at his wrist. He looked away. “Just take care of yourself.”

“I have enough worry in me for both of us,” she said. She shook Sora’s hand and when he looked at her, all he saw was her smile.

“Thanks,” Sora said. “I’ll tell you if I need you, okay?”

“Okay,” Kairi said. She hugged Sora and gave him a short kiss then left him to get home by himself.

The next time a sleepless night became too much, Sora kept walking past RIku’s house, down the road to the beach, to his raft. The ocean always seemed so much softer at night, the raft rolled lazily over the ocean as Sora made his way to the smaller island. He had been there at night before, but not often. The first was with Riku, he promised they wouldn’t get into trouble and they didn’t. Every time, even after he said he wasn't afraid anymore, there was a thrill of worry. But he was older now and he could go where he wanted without anyone being too concerned. The rush was gone.

It was only recently, after they got home, that Sora learned one of the reasons Riku loved the island so much was that Ansem spoke to him there.

Sora left his shoes on the raft. He walked a bit, then decided to strip and wade out into the ocean. He swam until his feet only brushed the sand, then plunged beneath the surface and held his hand over his face. Quiet, pressure, alone. He wanted to stay bobbing in the ocean forever. Maybe just until things were normal again. Sora held his breath until his lungs burned. He inhaled sea water on the way back up.

He coughed it back out and swam back towards shore and stood chest deep until he caught his breath. And he swam back out and repeated the process. Sora half drowned himself until he decided he was ruining his throat with all of the seawater scraping it up. He felt stupid for getting out of the water, something telling him that if he was really sad, he wouldn't hold his hand over his face beneath the surface and he would let his lungs fill up with water.

The thought of someone finding him dead or, worse, barely alive, made him only think about how much it would scare everyone. They loved him and he knew that, he knew he didn't want to die. He just wanted a break.

Sora dragged himself a few feet onto the beach, then sat with his legs straight out, the tide barely reached the bottom of his feet. He looked at the stars, every single one of them holding a world just as big and full of life as his own. Hundreds or thousands of worlds, a number he could never imagine if he spent his whole life trying to think of it. And on every single one of those worlds, someone was in pain. All of that suffering added up… Sora thought he could feel it in his own body just by thinking about it. 

Instead of screaming his frustration out, without punching the ground or his legs, instead of sobbing, he pulled his knees to his chest and sniffled out silent tears. He knew there was no one around but he didn’t want to wake anyone up or have someone find him because of the noise. Crying felt useless if he held himself back but he couldn’t stop.

Sora felt a familiar Darkness behind him, a presence that brought a sickeningly sweet cinnamon smell that made him want to gag. Sora knew the presence was waiting for an acknowledgment but he still couldn’t find enough air to hold and stop his crying. On some level, he knew what was happening then. He couldn’t stop it. He didn’t want to.

Sora looked over his shoulder and briefly made eye contact with Ansem. Even knowing what he would see, Ansem’s feral eyes still made Sora’s blood run cold. 

Ansem only said, “They will hate you for this. They already do.”

Then he was gone. Only the smell remained. Sora noticed his hands were shaking.

Sora was alone when it finally happened, as he had imagined he would be but hoped so desperately he wouldn't be. It was like dropping into a bed that had been occupied before, into a sunken mattress and a heavy, suffocating comforter. He had been worn from fighting, his whole head had throbbed, his eyes felt like they were melting into his skull. Then there was a pop and it was over. 

Sora had seen into his Heart before but there had always been Light. Always. He had done this to himself, hadn’t he? The emptiness was overwhelming. Was Roxas okay? Xion? Inside of himself, Sora drifted endlessly, consumed with worry and fear. This wasn’t the release he’d been promised while the Organization picked on his heart like vultures on a rotting carcass. 

He felt his body sometimes, heard himself talk. It wasn’t his voice anymore, was it? At some points, it even felt like he was the one doing it. He would move through the world thinking this was what he wanted to do, not even realizing someone else was controlling him. When he thought of Riku and Kairi, sometimes all he could manage to feel was an overwhelming anger that made him want to do nothing except  _ hurt _ them.

The worst part, he found, was that he didn’t know what was really happening and what he was being shown. He saw Kairi, bleeding and dying one day and had a moment of clarity, that her blood was on his hands. He saw Riku, kicked onto his knees, forced to submit and beg for his life. He knew how scared they were. He felt disgusting.

Later, still grieving, he saw them again. He had never known he could feel so alone. Maybe he would have done more to stop this. He tried to reach for Kairi but his hand only twitched by his side. Riku was talking to him, but he could only see his lips moving, his chest rise and fall as he shouted.

“He can’t hear you,” his body, his voice said. Helplessly, Sora heard his body laugh while he was pushed back into Darkness and his vision of outside was consumed by it. 

**Author's Note:**

> I think about this a lot. Sora is definitely going to get Norted in KH3, by the way. Also ityou cant tell I'm highkey obsessed with being Norted I just have issues I guess :/
> 
> I know it's scattered and doesn't fit anywhere on the timeline but. fuck canon amiritie fellas?
> 
> As always I love comments they keep me alive thank you


End file.
